if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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