there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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