my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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