Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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