I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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