who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
