I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
