I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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