Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
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She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
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One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I could fuck to npr.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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