My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
