last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
