Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
