Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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