so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
stop calling my apartment porn island.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
