this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
