The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
