Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
