You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
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you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
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You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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