My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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