Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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