I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
