Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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