as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
