I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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