Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
