I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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