Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
