I cut my penus on the lid.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
