I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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