I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
