Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
