I'm gonna have a badass scar
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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