I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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