i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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