This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
