My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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