he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
