Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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