It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
