Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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