I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Randomize
