I'm eating all of the evidence.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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