I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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