why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
