At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS