my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches