drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
