This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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