Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
