Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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