Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
