When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
