I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
