I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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