I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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